One night, at a bar in South Park, I saw a tall, indie-rock Viking sporting a canvas tote bag and decided that this progressive-leaning, vinyl-collecting man was going to be mine. Within minutes, he introduced himself with a pint in hand. We chatted, and Chris (not his real name) offered to buy me another drink. After some flirting and a few more beers, midnight rolled around, and we left together.

At his house, he put on Michael Jackson, and we danced. Chris poured me another glass of wine. As we edged toward the bed, something shifted in his eyes. Suddenly, all six feet, three inches of him slammed to the floor, his limbs splayed on the hardwood. The booze had won out. 

I wanted to put him to bed and “girlfriend” him, but I knew it was time to leave instead. I helped him up, called a car, and tip-toed out. I was embarrassed—for me and for him. I wish I could have gotten to know who he really was before the six pack kicked in. Maybe if we’d gone on a hike instead of drinking at a bar, he could have been the one.

Recently, SDM editor and Unhinged columnist Nicolle Monico wrote that in 2025, daters will be leaning toward dry dates over the typical bar meetups. As a 40-something-year-old, full-time writer seeking a long-term partnership, I enjoy a calming glass of wine on first dates. But after many failed “wet” dates, this trend had me curious about what it’s like to forgo that crutch of social lubrication. 

If I’m being honest, alcohol has always been there to get me through life. I grew up in a restaurant family and drinking was ubiquitous. To this day, my mom’s first suggestion when I’m feeling down is that I grab a G&T. Since my 20s, I have relied on alcohol to ease me into potentially awkward social situations. I joke that I’m great on first dates because I’m witty and gregarious, but it’s probably just the Chardonnay talking—and who knows if I’m as charming as I think I am? 

Alcohol helps quell my anxiety about so many things: Will he think I’m smart? What if I’m not pretty enough? What if I chose the wrong outfit? Will he notice that I’ve gained 15 pounds since that last profile pic was taken? I’m terrified that I won’t be understood and ultimately rejected— just for being myself. I’ve always squashed these racing thoughts with a glass of something rather than dealing with my own rejection sensitivity, or even being open to the possibility that no one is judging me half as hard as I am judging myself.

To challenge myself, I decided to go on a slew of non-drinking dates: bowling, the beach, coffee, Mexican food sans margaritas. Sometimes I asked if we could keep things dry; other times, I just stuck to water as my date sipped on something boozy. Taking away my liquid security blanket was a shock to the senses. I felt far more self-conscious than when I was drinking. I had to do breathing exercises before every date to calm my nervous system, which would normally be soothed by something stronger.

On the bowling date in El Cajon, the scent of IPAs wafting in the distance, I bonded with a professional ice skater over his recent heartbreak and our shared experiences of being the one left behind. The activity and faux-competitiveness of the date distracted me from the need to drink, but once the conversation kicked in, I felt like I overcompensated by oversharing and getting straight to the deep stuff. Thankfully, he welcomed it, and I felt a weird sense of safety. It was refreshing to talk about relationships and not sex, as alcohol has a way of guiding the conversation in that direction.

On my next date, I shared sushi in Mission Beach with a man who recently divorced his best friend and partner of 20 years, only to pick up a penchant for shibari. Then came enchiladas and a conversation about polyamory with a man who loves Porches. My last sober date was, ironically, at a dive bar with an actual sober guy. 

We played our favorite songs on the jukebox and drank ginger beers, bonding over shared music tastes and mental health diagnoses. I’m not sure I would have divulged that sensitive information had I been drinking. My date was honest with me about why he made the decision to become sober. This confession made me want to offer up something about myself to match his vulnerability. It turns out we have a lot more in common than just loving Bikini Kill.

None of these dates ended with anything physical, not even a peck on the cheek. With alcohol, I definitely would have been persuaded to take things further, even on a first date. Staying dry kept me grounded in my boundaries—I wanted to save the physical connection for when I knew there was an emotional one. 

None of these dates provided the drama and danger of a lushy meet-cute, but I did feel more comfortable in my own skin the more I did it. Instead of being in my head about what the other person thought about me, I was better equipped to make decisions based on what I thought of them, rather than seeking their approval. 

What stood out to me is my own reliance on alcohol to make me feel worthy of love. The fact that I don’t think I’m enough without a little liquid encouragement broke my heart. I drink to have fun and to feel like an elevated version of myself. But why can’t I be that person on my own? It made me reflect on my own relationship with alcohol, which I’ll continue to think about. Did this experiment make me want to go sober? No. But it did make me want to love and trust myself more deeply, without an ABV.

Though none of my dry dates led to a second, I was able to make better judgments on these potential partners and stick to my own values and boundaries, which always seem to disintegrate after a few glasses of natty wine. I felt sure about my decisions (do I send a follow-up text? Do I ghost?). There was no gray area in my gray matter, which can so often be clouded by a drink.

I’ll probably still make some mistakes in dark bars, but adding more dry dates to my journey could be the difference between meeting a guy for now and a guy for forever. At the very least, it’ll make for some good memories… and a healthier liver.  

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

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The post Unhinged, A Dating Series: What Sober Dating Taught Me appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

Daters Are Going Sober to Find Love

In July, Newsweek covered the rise of sober dating among Gen Zers and Millennials during a time when people are ditching alcohol (though, still staying “California sober”) at higher rates than previous generations. Even those not cutting alcohol out completely are scaling back—according to a study by NC Solutions, 41 percent of people are minimizing their use and prioritizing mental health.

This trend of dry dating has led to the creation of new NA apps such as Drybaby, Loosid, and Club Pillar, which aim to bring like-minded singles together in one place. Apps like these make it easier for sober singles to organize meetups while avoiding awkward conversations about not drinking on first, second, or future dates. They’re also drawing singles together IRL: Drybaby, for example, has partnered with NYC- and LA-based companies like The Feels, which hosts “mindful” events, and Reading Rhythms, a group that throws reading parties.

In an interview with Dazed magazine, Catherine Gray, author of The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober, argues that drinking on dates can leave people confused about their true feelings. “Frequently, on the 7 p.m. first drink we’ll think, ‘Meh,’” she told the outlet. “On the second drink, ‘meh’ is a little more mesmerizing. Rinse and repeat four times, and suddenly you’re heavy petting someone you wouldn’t even ordinarily lightly pet.” 

When dating dry, there’s no alcohol-induced cloudiness about whether someone is actually a good potential match. And, at the very least—during a time when most of us are just trying to figure out how to pay rent each month—spending money on expensive drinks can wait for later dates, when you’re sure you have a crush. Keep an eye out for more of these NA apps and dating events in 2025. 

The Apps Are Here to Stay, But Users Aren’t

While dating apps aren’t necessarily going anywhere, users are starting to rely on them less when it comes to finding a potential partner. I wrote about this return to meeting people in person a few weeks back. It makes sense—we’re all burnt out and in need of a new way to find love, a fact that seems especially true for the younger generations. 

Recently, Time published a piece on the members of Gen Z choosing to dtich dating apps. Data from a 2023 Statista survey showed that, in the US, Gen Z makes up only 26 percent of dating app users, while Millennials come in at 61 percent. CNN reported that “singles mixers and other group dating parties have made a comeback since the Covid-19 pandemic ended as singles look to get off their screens and meet potential partners in person.” 

According to data from Eventbrite, attendance at singles’ events increased 42 percent between 2022 and 2023.  Those numbers are even higher when it comes to game- or sports-based dating meetups. So, if you’re looking to date in the next year, consider how to get out in your community and meet someone at the many dating events that have been popping up lately.

Singles Are Doing Away With “Types”

This one is an interesting one. Contra-dating is a concept that involves intentionally dating people you would normally not choose in order to broaden your options. Many of us tend to stick with what we know, and, in the dating world, that can lead to a cycle of bad relationships—or closing yourself off to a potential match just because they don’t fit what you’re used to.

I love the idea that people are opening up their dating pool by purposefully spending time with those who aren’t their type. And the idea isn’t at all foreign in popular culture—Love is Blind (despite its issues) takes this type of thinking to the most extreme level, and even rom-coms have used that formula for decades, pairing two individuals who are wildly different and letting viewers watch as they eventually fall in love. 

Contra-dating pushes you to be more open-minded and prioritize your core values over more surface-level things like physical appearance. It seems obvious to date outside of your normal pool, but how many of us actually take the leap? We often eliminate people quickly when they don’t match our past experiences or typical crush. 

This type of dating can also expose individuals to new hobbies, activities, or ways of thinking—so even if you don’t fall in love with someone new, they may introduce you to your new favorite thing.

Living in the Moment, No Matter the Outcome

In my own dating life, I’ve learned that putting too much pressure early on can lead to unnecessary arguments. On the other hand, future-faking—a tactic where someone makes false promises about commitment to keep someone invested in a relationship—can be harmful to those who are genuinely seeking a long-term partner.

“NATO” dating, or “not attached to the outcome,” is a term used to describe a form of dating that places an emphasis on living in the moment, day-by-day, with potential matches. In an interview with The Star, Paul C. Brunson, Tinder’s global relationship insights expert, said, “Instead of rushing into a ‘happily ever after,’ [users are] focusing on using the dating journey to accumulate a roster of new experiences and memories that enhance their personal stories.” 

When it comes to dating apps, every day can mean a new match or potential meetup—which, on the surface, can sound exciting. However, the amount of matches that don’t turn into a full-blown relationship can make us feel like there’s something wrong with us, not the algorithm.

Taking the NATO route means that you’re no longer worried about whether your next date is the one. Instead, you can free up your mind to take something away from every interaction you have, whether good or bad. Releasing our concerns about what’s next can also leave us more at ease when dating, meaning we’ll be more ourselves during those uncomfortable first meetups. 

According to Forbes, the benefits of NATO dating include pursuing mindful partnerships, prioritizing personal growth, embracing singlehood, seeking meaningful experiences, and assessing true compatibility. It makes sense. This approach to dating can help you let go of timelines and pre-existing expectations and allow you to get to know a person without all the pressure and anxiety of finding the love of your life.

What do you think? What other dating trends and predictions have you seen lately? Let me know. Email me at [email protected] and let me know which topics you’d like me to dig deeper into.

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

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