In other words, San Diego Magazine’s November 2005 cover is wild. And inside waits a huge feature on dating in SD. I had questions. So many questions. Is anything different about SD’s dating scene nearly 20 years later?

“If there are plenty of fish in the sea, why haven’t you hooked one?” the article’s subhead asks. “A look at the up-and-down dating life of San Diegans—and how to make the perfect catch. Maybe.” 

Writer Amber Cyphers goes on to wonder, “With one million people in the city, why is it still so hard to find love?”

This sounds familiar.

“We asked a group of very dateable San Diegans for their take on the world of singles, and did some research of our own,” Cyphers writes. “It was illuminating, to say the least, although there was no consensus on the best way to meet other singles in San Diego. Not surprisingly, few found much success developing lasting relationships with people they met in bars. Beyond that, it was a tossup.”

This could have been written today. I am Cyphers, and she is me. We’ve come so far since the dating-app-free world of yesteryear… while also seemingly going nowhere at all. Great news for singles.

Luckily, the piece offers some tips about where to meet local singles. Cyphers suggests checking out social events hosted by arts institutions like The Old Globe, returning to school to take extension courses (this seems a bit much), frequenting your neighborhood coffee shop to find “local delights” posted on its notice boards, and getting into sports. 

Did you know there was once an Athletic Singles Association? Or an org called the Single Sierrans, a subgroup of the local Sierra Club, an environmental protection organization, for people in their 20s and 30s? 

Back then, online dating was relegated to sites like Match.com or HurryDate.com—which may have been the prototype for Tinder, though I can’t be sure.

Instead of my typical article this week, we’re going back in time to hear the stories of other singles looking for love. Because look, it’s not you—it really is that hard and weird and confusing. Grab a glass of wine and some popcorn and get cozy with the tales of San Diego’s most eligible Y2K bachelors and bachelorettes.

Also, if you’re one of the singles profiled in this feature, please email us and let us know if you found love… especially if it was because you went back to college.

Meet Justin, a 28-year-old Oklahoman who discovered why San Diego is such a great place for burgeoning Peter Pans. 

On the next page, Lisa Feinstein, a 35-year-old healthcare professional, shares her dating horror stories. Offering to find your date a sugar daddy—totally wack or kinda chivalrous in this economy? You decide. 

Here we have 35-year-old Summer Morse, who offers some sound advice and an optimistic outlook for singles. “I’m looking for a relationship full of integrity and communication—having the understanding that falling in and out of love happens, and it’s okay,” she says.

Travis Bone, on the other hand, found that a little wine with a side of pretension is a good reminder that being single may not be so bad after all. 

Tom Chambers’ story might be my favorite of the bunch. A tale as old as time: You and your situationship decide to take separate trips for New Year’s Eve. You head to Lake Tahoe; she jets off to Miami. A week later, you turn on the Lakers game and see her courtside… with another dude. Ouch. 

A holistic healthcare practitioner and divorcée, 46-year-old Lilia Gudiño-Vazquez is perfectly fine with her relationship status. The single mom of two reminds us that dating in your 40s means you’re no longer comfortable wasting your time with things that don’t add value to your life.

At 48, executive assistant Lisa Schiff signed up for what she called “on-line personals.” She’s excited about the idea of a younger man, unless he wants children. How very Anne Hathaway in The Idea of You. 

Finally, 28-year-old Nam Chantepie offers a cute metaphor about the dating pool. “Sometimes I feel like there needs to be more chlorine in that pool, but I keep floating along in my water wings, waiting to bump into someone else who wants to play Marco Polo,” he says. I genuinely hope he found his mermaid.

So, if you’re single, is there comfort knowing that dating in SD has always been challenging? Or did you find love here decades ago—and think that you left the market when things were easier? Either way, we would love to hear from you. Email us at [email protected].

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter for exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

[sdm-newsletter-placement]

The post Unhinged, A Dating Series: 20 Years Later, We’re Still Single appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

I met Underhill in my DMs. After reading one of my pieces, the 38-year-old whiskey brand ambassador wrote to me to share about a relationship that had started right before the pandemic and ended in a FaceTime breakup three years later (and two days before Christmas). Damn.

As she drove home from Palm Springs one afternoon, we hopped on a call to chat about her experiences dating in the city. I wanted to know if the feelings I had about dating were the same as others or if I really was on an island of my own making. We connected on something over the course of our conversation: Dating has felt different—and more difficult—for both of us since the advent of the pandemic. For Underhill, the realization occurred when she tried revisiting dating apps in 2022.

That digital space was suddenly a new world—just like the one outside of it, filled with people fatigued by years of uncertainty and isolation.

“I got on Bumble and Hinge and immediately felt 25 years older than I actually am. I felt so confused by the technology that I used to know so well,” says Underhill, a Seattle native who moved to San Diego eight years ago. “I was like, ‘What are all these premium features? What are all these new things?’”

Combing through profiles, swiping, chatting, flirting, cringing, getting left on read—it all felt strange. Underhill remembers thinking that Covid and social distancing affected how everyone communicated.  

“I was trying to register these changes. What’s different about me? What’s different about the world?” she says. “I kind of felt almost instinctively like [I wanted] to internalize it, like it was something different I was doing. Then I realized we just all went through this huge global change. I think the pandemic reframed our brains on a lot of things.”

Collectively, we’ve changed. It can’t be ignored that, four years later, we’re still somewhat socially rusty. Last year, a poll conducted for Newsweek showed that 42 percent of participants admitted to being less sociable than in 2019.

We’re exhausted. This is potentially the most don’t-talk-to-me-I’d-rather-stay-home era we’ve had in a long time, which doesn’t make for the most ideal setting to find love. I recently read a headline declaring that “lockdowns turned us into antisocial goblins,” and, honestly, that’s not wrong. 

Research also points to people withdrawing rather than seeking connection when they experience loneliness—meaning that, throughout the pandemic, as many struggled with feelings of depression, it actually began to change how they interacted with others and affected their ability to seek out relationships. 

“Connection has become so accessible that people don’t treat it as special anymore,” Underhill says. I get it. She’s hitting on something that many of us feel but can’t exactly explain. Covid took a toll on us all, and we’re lucky to be approaching some sort of normalcy these days.

The thing is, though, the internet provides a pretty cozy place to retreat to with all your “friends.” Between the parasocial sense of “hanging out” with your favorite podcasters, curling up with virtual girlfriends during a 50-part TikTok series, or getting that quick dopamine hit of matching (but never actually talking) on dating apps, we assuage our loneliness with low-stakes activities. 

These new antisocial behaviors could be a big part of why dating seems so much more difficult. Those who may have once spent their weekends at bars, sports events, concerts, or dinner parties are now holed up at home, where meet-cutes don’t really happen. (Unless your UberEats driver happens to be hot and single.) 

And, even if people are swiping from their couches, not all of them are seeking love—or even a fling. They may just want momentary connection.

Both men and women on the subreddit r/OnlineDating have complained that their matches never seem interested in actually meeting. So, how do we weed out those who are swiping just for a self-esteem boost, and how do we meet people organically in an increasingly isolated world?

If writing this column has taught me anything, it’s that being vulnerable allows others to be the same. Like Underhill, many people have reached out to me—a complete stranger—to share their need for connection. And potential dates have shot their shot knowing that I’m looking for something real.

My situation is unique; I’m not unaware of that fact. But for some, getting “out there” again may just mean hitting an Instagram social meet-up with friends and committing to talking to at least two people you don’t know. Or, it’s forgoing the standard answers on your Hinge profile and clarifying exactly what you’re looking for.

So, if you’re searching for love and the apps aren’t cutting it, or the meet-ups aren’t happening, it’s time to get up off the couch and back into the world in a pre-pandemic kind of way. Hit the bar, organize a dinner party, take yourself on a solo date with a book, or buy tickets to the next Wave FC game. Your chances increase the more you leave your house. 

Digging deeper with people is riskier than the safety of scrolling or swiping (trust me, I know!). But because of that, the rewards are far bigger, too.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and what you’re doing to help yourself return to a more sociable you. As for Underhill, she remains hopeful. She’s still using the apps, making the first move with a gif of Forrest Gump waving hello, and switching her perspective on the Covid slump.

“I was just thinking that my biggest nightmare at the gym would be me using a machine and somebody coming over and correcting me because I just feel like it would be so embarrassing,” she says. “But then I was like, I’m describing a meet-cute.”

We’re all struggling, she reminds me, but maybe that’s part of what may bring us together at the end of the day. “I do feel like there’s some reassurance knowing that it’s not me. The scene is very hard,” she says. “I’m hoping that maybe we’re just kind of like the foot soldiers, like the infantry, connecting with singles for the sake of solidarity and friendship.”

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter for exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

[sdm-newsletter-placement]

The post Unhinged, A Dating Series: Finding Connection in A Disconnected World appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

Getting real with you all each week has been fun, eye-opening, and anxiety-inducing (please send nice messages on Thursday nights). Recently, I took the time to think about what lessons have come from my adventures and my chats with readers and friends. I share those insights below.

While there are still more vulnerable pieces of me that I’m not ready to share yet publicly—like the lingering effects of my past relationship—having so many new friends rooting for me and sharing their own stories has been incredibly humbling in the best way. I’m the most hopeful I’ve ever been that maybe we can figure this out together.

So, here are five things I’ve learned since starting this column:

Men are struggling, too

As a woman, it can be easy to fall into the trap of thinking men have it easy when it comes to heterosexual dating (stay tuned for guest columnists speaking to other types of relationships). It’s not uncommon to hear women complaining about men’s reluctance to commit and about how hard it is to find someone genuine. 

I’ve been surprised, though, at the amount of men who have written to me to say thank you for this series. They’ve shared their stories, opened up to me personally about unrequited love, and took the time to reflect on some of the things I have written about. Many have also said that they don’t speak about this stuff to anyone. 

In a society where little boys are taught to hold their feelings in, hopefully more men will start to see the benefit in talking out their emotions with friends or seeking advice from experienced professionals such as therapists. After all, you can’t know what you don’t know, and sometimes the best advice will come from those with unbiased opinions. 

Dating is a numbers game

I’ve never dated so much in my life. With my matchmaker setting me up with potential suitors, DMs rolling in from readers of this column, and friends introducing me to their single pals, it’s been overwhelming (and a little exhausting). 

Most of the dates I’ve been on haven’t led to a second date, but they have taught me more about what I want, what I’m willing to potentially compromise on, and what I need to work on personally in romantic connections.

Expecting to find “the one” by only going on one or two dates every few months means that you’re significantly lowering your chances. Get outside, invest in hobbies that you love, head out to happy hours, sign up for classes, keep swiping (if you’re into that kind of thing), take chances on strangers at bars, say “yes” to everything—you never know who you may meet. 

What you ask is just as important as doing the actual asking

One of the biggest things I hear from women is that men don’t ask any questions on dates. It’s not completely a gendered issue, but research shows that men and women are taught to approach conversations differently. 

After I wrote about this, we got a flood of comments on our Instagram post and in my inbox from people who could relate. It seems obvious, but if you’re out there and dating, just ask a question—it may lead to your next relationship. 

But what you ask also matters. During a singles mixer this past February, matchmaker Sophy Love walked participants through some dating exercises with a focus on first-date questions. We learned that asking deeper, more emotionally driven questions tends to make people feel more connected to the asker. 

I genuinely became more interested in the people sitting across from me during the exercise. So skip the “what do you do for a living” questions and ask what childhood memory stands out as one of their favorite experiences. 

People will put in the effort when they’re interested

One of the first people I met during this column was a guy who I was very attracted to but who was only putting in the bare minimum when it came to dating me. He was cute and we had fun, but he only made plans with me last minute and made me feel like an afterthought. 

I remember telling him that I would like him to be intentional if he really was looking to get to know me. We ended things. 

There are people out there who will make it clear that they are wanting to get to know you and will make time to do so—and desiring that effort is not too much to ask. But we have to be willing to ask for what we want and be willing to walk away if they can’t provide it. I’ve also learned recently that the ones who are ready to be in a relationship won’t leave you guessing about future dates. You won’t be an afterthought. 

You can have it all

I recently asked the question, “Can you really have it all when it comes to love?” Stability, support, and compatibility and butterflies, passion, and bedroom chemistry with someone? At a certain age, we can start to feel the pressure to settle to avoid being alone.

Recently, I met someone who is making me believe that it’s possible to find a person who meets all your needs and wants. We’ve only been talking for a short time, but he’s unknowingly helping me heal from the trauma of a past relationship by being incredibly kind, honest, and intentional. On the other hand, I get nervous and excited to see him, something I’ve been missing in the past few dates.

I don’t know if this connection will turn into anything more. But what it is giving me is hope that I don’t have to settle for anything less than amazing. Fairytale romances aren’t just a thing in storybooks.  

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter for exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

[sdm-newsletter-placement]

The post Unhinged, A Dating Series:  What Looking for Love Taught Me appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

I loved him and swore I’d marry him. After college, we moved from LA up to the Bay Area, where we began to pursue our respective careers. We talked about marriage, but I was, admittedly, not ready to settle down for the rest of my life. 

My memory is pretty spotty from that time, but I do know that we didn’t work out because of me. I was finally living on my own for the first time. A part of me wanted to explore this new freedom and figure out who I was before getting married. I pushed him away.

I think about him sometimes. I liked Chris pretty quickly, but he wasn’t someone that stood out in a room. He could be quiet, shy almost. He was cute in a nerdy kind of way. Safe. 

It wasn’t love at first sight, but I did feel something that I’ve only felt with a handful of men: intrigue, a need to know more about them long after they’ve left the room. Our conversation would flow from the start, we’d make each other laugh, and there’d be a hint of attraction. 

These types of interactions are rare for me, especially nowadays. But when they occur, I know that something special is happening. They almost always lead to that person becoming my boyfriend (though that’s not to say that every crush has turned into a relationship). 

I share this because I’ve been on four dates in the last two weeks, and I haven’t felt this same excitement with any of them. Save for a non-matchmaker-organized date that may have involved a white powdery substance (Unhinged subscribers can learn more in this week’s newsletter), they seem to have been decent guys, just not my decent dude.

It’s made me question myself, wonder if I’m being too picky. If that feeling I’ve had in the past isn’t as telling as it once was. I’m genuinely unsure if I’m not giving myself enough time to figure out who could be a potential match or if I really just haven’t found him yet. The only thing I can really bet on is that when I got that particular feeling before, I knew I could be completely myself. As a people-pleaser, this can be hard for me.

Here’s the thing, too. I know that butterflies aren’t real, that this type of hyperarousal is typically asking us to pay attention to something, often a red flag or at least a warning sign. I know that attraction can grow on you. I know that having the same values is more of a marker than both enjoying the same hobbies.

But what I don’t know is whether I can still have it all. Do I get to be so in love with and turned on by my partner while also feeling secure, confident, and supported in our relationship? 

What I’m learning, while dating at an older age, is that settling is a hard pill to swallow. And maybe that’s why some of us are having a hard time out there.

We’ve spent so much time reading books, listening to podcasts, building our careers, making and learning from mistakes, and healing our traumas that anything but AMAZING doesn’t seem worth it anymore. 

And that’s where I’m stuck. I don’t necessarily think this is a problem with finding someone who I could settle down with. I do think that there have been opportunities, but finding just anyone to be with has never been appealing to me. I don’t want companionship for companionship’s sake. I want someone who truly challenges me and complements my life. 

I’ve met men who made me feel safe… if a little bored. I’ve met some who made my heart rate speed up, despite being walking red flags. Some of my best guy friends are amazing, the kind of people that I’d happily set up with my girlfriends.

What I’m seeking, though, is a bit of all of it: safety and excitement, deep talks and belly laughs, heat and calm. And that’s a harder ask. Very kind, well-intentioned people sometimes ask how or why I’m single—can’t I find a man? 

What the question seems to miss is the distinction between a man and the man. Someone to love versus the love of my life.

Because if I’m not going to have the kind of romance that makes my heart jump when I see them in 30 years, then I don’t want it. Give me stability, trust, and kindness, of course. Sure. Obviously. But I’d like to also hold out for that all-encompassing, heart-pounding Notebook type of love.

What’s incredibly scary about this column, is that, for however long I do this, it may amount to nothing. No finale episode with a single rose. No hard launches on IG. But as my forever girl crush, Rihanna, once told Vanity Fair about finding a man: “I will wait forever if I have to … but that’s O.K.”

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter for exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

[sdm-newsletter-placement]

The post Unhinged, A Dating Series: It’s Okay to Want It All appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

The Bachelor

Photo Courtesy of ABC and Warner Bros.

We are big fans of ABC’s The Bachelor. Don’t judge us. After all, in addition to San Diego Magazine, we also publish a wedding mag called Exquisite Weddings. With all the tulle and lace in the office, we can’t help but be hopeless romantics.

Admittedly, we are a female-dominated staff. And The Bachelor is right up our alley—the perfect Monday night filler after a long workday. We religiously read sites like Lost Angeles (the USC football blogger turned Bachelor recapper), and have even conducted in-house Bachelor pools (like fantasy football but with bachelorettes).

Taking all of this into consideration, we feel it is our moral obligation to tell you about a casting call for The Bachelor this Friday at Paradise Point Resort & Spa.

Who knows? You might get to be a part of “The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever!” It’s the stuff dreams are made of.

Details

What: Last chance to audition for the new season of The Bachelor on ABC

Who: The search is on for eligible women and men who are ready to find true love on reality TV. Those who feel they possess the charm, style, class, and charisma to become America’s next leading lady or leading man are invited to meet with the show’s casting producers.

Date:  Friday, July 26, 2013—5:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m.

Where: Paradise Point Resort & Spa, 1404 Vacation Road, San Diego, CA  92109

Additional Details: thebachelor.warnerbros.com/casting/

The post All The Single Ladies! appeared first on San Diego Magazine.