Created by La Jolla resident Andrea Miller, the app was made to “bring together singles who share similar lifestyles by fostering an environment that prioritizes quality connections,” its website touts. Here’s how it works:

You sign up with your phone number,  answer some questions about your dating preferences, and fill out your bio, similar to other popular dating apps. Then you’ll be asked to choose some of your favorite athletic activities, including extreme sports, fishing, golfing, hiking, indoor volleyball, or kickboxing. You’ll also need to choose your preferred first date from five options: coffee, working out together, drinks, dinner, or going for a walk.

GoGetter’s swiping interface is the most comparable to Tinder, with an “X” on the left side of a profile to pass and a heart in the center to say “yes.” You won’t have to guess if you share similar interests with your potential match—you can see their chosen activities under their profile. Once matched, you have 48 hours to chat with each other before the match disappears. However, you must pay a “coin,” which costs $1, to start a conversation.

While the app piqued my interest when I first heard about it, I wasn’t quite sure how its mission statement would translate into real-life dating scenarios. GoGetter’s focus on connecting people who love  being outdoors, working up a sweat, and getting their bodies moving resonated with me—after all, I looked for these qualities in a potential partner while dating. 

So, I called up its founder to get the scoop, and I enlisted a friend to try out the app. 

“I left the corporate world to pursue this dating app. I was 35 and single and was basically saying, ‘Hey, this is what I would need to find love,’” says Miller, who was living in Australia at the time for work and to travel. “I knew that my number-one non-negotiable was that I wanted to meet someone who lived an active lifestyle. So I thought, ‘Let’s start there.’ It was just mind-boggling to me that nothing was really out there serving this niche.”

Miller, who is now 43, launched the app (then called Slindir) in Australia in 2016. A year later, she moved to San Diego and debuted a second iteration for the US market with updated tech and a full rebrand, including its name. 

“And then Covid hit and I was in a time when I actually ended up having to go back to Australia, so that kind of slowed things down a little bit,” Miller recalls. “I couldn’t keep the momentum up.” She met her now-husband while working out on the beach and eventually had a baby during the pandemic.

In 2022, Miller decided it was time to re-launch in San Diego with the addition of a new feature that was important to her: pay-to-talk. As mentioned earlier, when you match with someone, you have to pay a “coin” (or, literally, one dollar), to initiate a conversation. If the other person wants to chat, too, they can pony up the $1 fee to do so; otherwise, if they decide they don’t want to talk, you’ll get your coin returned to your virtual bank.

“The whole idea is that … you both need to make a move; you’re go-getters,” Miller says. “Let’s take these ‘yeses’ that people have given to each other and let’s verify them a bit more. If you’re really interested in talking to this person, show some initiative. Put the effort in.” 

On its head, this approach makes sense to me. Other apps have similar ways of coaxing conversations. Bumble gives pairs 24 hours to connect before the match expires and disappears. While talking to matches on Hinge is free, many of the app’s most popular filtering features (including height, religious views, and family preferences) are only available to users who pay in-app fees—meaning that you’re paying for the opportunity to speak with a more curated list of people, rather than casting a wide net for free.

However, if you’re a new GoGetter user, the coin feature may have you second-guessing using the app. My friend Megan, for her part, had mixed feelings about it. “Even a dollar is going to make me think twice about chatting with someone I’m lukewarm about,” she says. “But I would be thrilled to pay $5 if there were five guys I actually wanted to talk with.”

Miller argues that when somebody chooses to pay a coin to talk to you, they’re reaffirming they’re interest, which in turn adds value to the connection. “It’s not like, ‘Oh, I paid to be on this platform,’” she says. “It’s like, ‘I’ve paid to talk to you.’” 

Currently, the app has under 100 users in San Diego and only 1,500 across the entire country. But, according to Miller, it’s growing—just maybe not fast enough. 

“There were literally two men in SD on it. Then it started throwing me men and women from all over,” Megan says. “I was getting women almost immediately, even though my settings say, ‘Only men.’ And then, within a dozen swipes, I was onto Phoenix and SF. Interesting concept; [it] just needs to grow, I think.” 

July 12, 2024

Unhinged, A Dating Series: Singles Are Ditching Apps for In-Person EventsRELATED ARTICLE

Megan deleted the app. Miller knows she must draw more users to GoGetter if it’s going to compete with the major players in this field. 

“I need to take the focus away from trying to get as many people as possible and really serve each market at a time,” she says. “Because I am here in San Diego, I thought, Okay, I can be part of the marketing and the events and really just kind of find out what works, and then, that way, I can replicate that in each market.”

She plans to use in-person meetups to help grow the GoGetter community. Her goal is to host get-togethers for app users to ensure attendees are ready to date and share the values of the app.

“Once we start to build the audience a little bit more, we’re going to start holding events,” Miller says. “They might be social events; they might be active events—could be a running thing, a yoga thing, or a happy hour. I think it’s important to bring people together.” 

What do you think? Are you willing to be a guinea pig and try out the new app? Or is the pay-to-talk feature a reason to skip it all together?

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter for exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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“I’m really happy when on my own, so if I’m unhappy in a relationship, or if it’s too hard, then I’d rather be alone,” Trent (not his real name) said as we chatted one evening. His point was that, at 37, he had created a good life for himself, one that he’d only give up if it brought him even more joy.

This past weekend while sipping cheap cocktails at Club Marina, my girl friends and I had a similar convo. Sarah (not her real name) shared that she isn’t really sure what she wants in a relationship because she enjoys her life and compromising any part of it isn’t something she’s ready to do for someone. She’ll tell you she wants companionship though, it just has to allow her the freedom to keep her life as is.

Back in April, I wrote about “wanting it all” when it came to love, arguing that if I can’t, I’d rather remain single. “Finding just anyone to be with has never been appealing to me,” I wrote. “I don’t want companionship for companionship’s sake. I want someone who truly challenges me and complements my life. Because if I’m not going to have the kind of romance that makes my heart jump when I see them in 30 years, then I don’t want it.” 

As I thought about these conversations and my own values, I realized that their connective tissue relied on the fact that being single was easier (or even better) than being in a relationship if the latter meant having to give up or ignore fundamental pieces of yourself. 

On its head, I get it. It takes less work to stick to the life you already have. It’s less effort to only worry about yourself. But this way of thinking is missing the opportunity that relationships give us for growth. 

To be clear, I’m not suggesting that you can’t grow or learn about yourself without being in a committed relationship or that being in one is in any way superior to not being in one. But, for those who want romantic partnership, having that type of thinking—“If it’s going to be hard, if I have to change, I’m better off single”—could be a barrier to not only finding love, but changing our own blind spots or any trauma-induced habits.

Sometimes, self-awareness can only really come when someone you’re intimately close with holds up a mirror to you. Understanding ourselves better is beneficial to our mental health and overall wellbeing—but it takes practice, the kind you get from being with someone.

And yes, your life will change when dating someone, but that’s part of the beauty of learning to love another person. Living in a healthy partnership can open life up in big, new, and exciting ways and the right person can make falling in love the easiest thing in the world.

If you’re stuck feeling like the benefits of being single outweigh having a partner, yet you’re still hoping to find love, here are some ways that being in a relationship can actually enhance the life you already have.  

Dating Helps Us Understand Ourselves Better

Sure, if you don’t date, you might be happier since you don’t have to adjust your life to fit someone else’s. Or, if you’re in a relationship and you’re arguing early on as you get to know each other, you may think that it’s easier to just be alone. Relationships often bring to the surface difficult things within ourselves that can feel easier to ignore. Relationships challenge us to grow, and that’s not a bad thing. 

The dynamics of dating someone naturally means that you’re going to have to reflect on how you treat your partner and what expectations you have of them. No one wants to hear what they’re doing wrong as a girlfriend or boyfriend, how their past has brought on unhelpful or unhealthy traits, or that they haven’t mastered good communication. But this is where we learn. This is the power of the mirror. This is how we stop repeating harmful behaviors and toxic cycles and finally move on from the lessons that continue to come up in our lives.

Dating Allows Us to Broaden Our Worldviews

I’ve never dated a man with exactly the same values, morals, or views on life that I’ve had. Even the ones who’ve most aligned with me are still not perfect matches. What’s so great about dating is that your partner is going to have their own unique life experiences which dictate their view on everything. 

If you know any journalists, you’ll know that many of us tend to be a little skeptical by nature. This is great for what we do as a career, but not necessarily the most positive thing in relationships. Currently, I’m learning to recognize the good instead of quickly seeing the bad in various scenarios thanks to conversations with my partner who is possibly the most happy-go-lucky person I know.

If you’re open (and willing to learn), you can broaden your understanding of the world just by being with someone who challenges you to think differently.

Dating Helps Us Work on Communication 

Have you ever argued with a new partner and realized your communication style may lead to even more disagreements versus resolutions? Learning how to effectively communicate with another human may be one of the most challenging parts about being intimately involved with another person.

I’ve mentioned it before, I struggle with shutting down during conflict which can be hurtful for my partners. I’ve also learned that for me, asking for a minute to process is important to me. Having that little bit of space from the situation usually allows me to see more clearly. But I wouldn’t know all this, not to this level at least, if I hadn’t dated in my past.

Having to learn how to express your needs well and navigate disagreements might be one of the most useful parts of being in a relationship. These are the kinds of life tools that benefit you in work, in friendships, and in family dynamics, and ones that you can take with you in every season of life.

Dating Brings to Light Our Attachment Styles

You’ve likely heard the term “attachment styles” tossed around in the dating world. But if you’re not familiar with them, it’s a way to describe how we expect others to relate in close relationships. They’re often based on childhood experiences and your relationship with your primary caregiver(s).

The four attachment styles are: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. You can read more about each here. Ideally, the healthiest relationships are rooted in a secure attachment—though this is often not the case. When you date, you start to learn which style you may struggle with and can take steps to work toward a more secure one. It’s hard work and takes practice but in the end will make you a stronger, more emotionally available person.

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

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Daters Are Going Sober to Find Love

In July, Newsweek covered the rise of sober dating among Gen Zers and Millennials during a time when people are ditching alcohol (though, still staying “California sober”) at higher rates than previous generations. Even those not cutting alcohol out completely are scaling back—according to a study by NC Solutions, 41 percent of people are minimizing their use and prioritizing mental health.

This trend of dry dating has led to the creation of new NA apps such as Drybaby, Loosid, and Club Pillar, which aim to bring like-minded singles together in one place. Apps like these make it easier for sober singles to organize meetups while avoiding awkward conversations about not drinking on first, second, or future dates. They’re also drawing singles together IRL: Drybaby, for example, has partnered with NYC- and LA-based companies like The Feels, which hosts “mindful” events, and Reading Rhythms, a group that throws reading parties.

In an interview with Dazed magazine, Catherine Gray, author of The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober, argues that drinking on dates can leave people confused about their true feelings. “Frequently, on the 7 p.m. first drink we’ll think, ‘Meh,’” she told the outlet. “On the second drink, ‘meh’ is a little more mesmerizing. Rinse and repeat four times, and suddenly you’re heavy petting someone you wouldn’t even ordinarily lightly pet.” 

When dating dry, there’s no alcohol-induced cloudiness about whether someone is actually a good potential match. And, at the very least—during a time when most of us are just trying to figure out how to pay rent each month—spending money on expensive drinks can wait for later dates, when you’re sure you have a crush. Keep an eye out for more of these NA apps and dating events in 2025. 

The Apps Are Here to Stay, But Users Aren’t

While dating apps aren’t necessarily going anywhere, users are starting to rely on them less when it comes to finding a potential partner. I wrote about this return to meeting people in person a few weeks back. It makes sense—we’re all burnt out and in need of a new way to find love, a fact that seems especially true for the younger generations. 

Recently, Time published a piece on the members of Gen Z choosing to dtich dating apps. Data from a 2023 Statista survey showed that, in the US, Gen Z makes up only 26 percent of dating app users, while Millennials come in at 61 percent. CNN reported that “singles mixers and other group dating parties have made a comeback since the Covid-19 pandemic ended as singles look to get off their screens and meet potential partners in person.” 

According to data from Eventbrite, attendance at singles’ events increased 42 percent between 2022 and 2023.  Those numbers are even higher when it comes to game- or sports-based dating meetups. So, if you’re looking to date in the next year, consider how to get out in your community and meet someone at the many dating events that have been popping up lately.

Singles Are Doing Away With “Types”

This one is an interesting one. Contra-dating is a concept that involves intentionally dating people you would normally not choose in order to broaden your options. Many of us tend to stick with what we know, and, in the dating world, that can lead to a cycle of bad relationships—or closing yourself off to a potential match just because they don’t fit what you’re used to.

I love the idea that people are opening up their dating pool by purposefully spending time with those who aren’t their type. And the idea isn’t at all foreign in popular culture—Love is Blind (despite its issues) takes this type of thinking to the most extreme level, and even rom-coms have used that formula for decades, pairing two individuals who are wildly different and letting viewers watch as they eventually fall in love. 

Contra-dating pushes you to be more open-minded and prioritize your core values over more surface-level things like physical appearance. It seems obvious to date outside of your normal pool, but how many of us actually take the leap? We often eliminate people quickly when they don’t match our past experiences or typical crush. 

This type of dating can also expose individuals to new hobbies, activities, or ways of thinking—so even if you don’t fall in love with someone new, they may introduce you to your new favorite thing.

Living in the Moment, No Matter the Outcome

In my own dating life, I’ve learned that putting too much pressure early on can lead to unnecessary arguments. On the other hand, future-faking—a tactic where someone makes false promises about commitment to keep someone invested in a relationship—can be harmful to those who are genuinely seeking a long-term partner.

“NATO” dating, or “not attached to the outcome,” is a term used to describe a form of dating that places an emphasis on living in the moment, day-by-day, with potential matches. In an interview with The Star, Paul C. Brunson, Tinder’s global relationship insights expert, said, “Instead of rushing into a ‘happily ever after,’ [users are] focusing on using the dating journey to accumulate a roster of new experiences and memories that enhance their personal stories.” 

When it comes to dating apps, every day can mean a new match or potential meetup—which, on the surface, can sound exciting. However, the amount of matches that don’t turn into a full-blown relationship can make us feel like there’s something wrong with us, not the algorithm.

Taking the NATO route means that you’re no longer worried about whether your next date is the one. Instead, you can free up your mind to take something away from every interaction you have, whether good or bad. Releasing our concerns about what’s next can also leave us more at ease when dating, meaning we’ll be more ourselves during those uncomfortable first meetups. 

According to Forbes, the benefits of NATO dating include pursuing mindful partnerships, prioritizing personal growth, embracing singlehood, seeking meaningful experiences, and assessing true compatibility. It makes sense. This approach to dating can help you let go of timelines and pre-existing expectations and allow you to get to know a person without all the pressure and anxiety of finding the love of your life.

What do you think? What other dating trends and predictions have you seen lately? Let me know. Email me at [email protected] and let me know which topics you’d like me to dig deeper into.

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

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My girlfriend was tired and I was tipsy, so I danced alone at the gay bar. A woman—curly hair, Doc Martens, shirt with the sleeves cut off—shimmied over and leaned in close, shouting over the music.

“Are you a dyke?” she hollered.

I glanced at my very butch girlfriend, perched on a barstool nearby. I’d been darting over to smooch her at regular intervals. Duh, I thought, but settled for, “Yep!”

The woman gave me a once-over. “Dykes don’t wear shoes like that,” she declared. The footwear in question was a pair of black, sling-back kitten heels. 

It wasn’t the first time I’d been accused of heterosexuality based solely on my affinity for uncomfortable shoes and lipstick (despite the latter being its own category of lesbianism). And most other femmes I know have faced the same scrutiny.

Being dismissed as the straight friend at the lesbian bar or having dating app matches assume you’re simply experimenting sucks—not only because it’s invalidating, but also because it makes it really hard to get dates.

While freshly out and hungry for community (and, frankly, a girlfriend), I used to go out of my way to look stereotypically “queer,” donning button-downs and chopping my hair short. As I settled into my identity, though, I found my way back to the super feminine style that felt most natural for me. I figured that any girl worth dating would find it sexy, not suspect—and while I was right, I do get approached by men far more than by women these days. 

It’s a gay dating struggle that came to mind right away when Nicolle asked if I was interested in guest writing for Unhinged, especially because newly out friends of mine have commented that—regardless of their presentation—just meeting women they like is one of the hardest aspects of entering the sapphic dating world. (We have dating apps, of course, but they’re afflicted by the same issues singles face when looking for heterosexual matches, with the added bonus of encountering tons of couples “looking for a third.”)

Being regularly read as straight on top of it all has meant that I’ve had to hone my flagging and flirting skills, often taking a more active role when it comes to meeting potential partners—a great confidence-builder. If you’re single and have been in my shoes (literally), here are my tips—ranked from least to most bold—for going forth and scoring dates. Happy gay dating!

Subtle Flagging

While technically the most passive move on this list, flagging can make all the following suggestions easier, as anyone who looks will get a pretty big hint right away that you’re into women. LGBTQ t-shirts and other goodies are easy alternatives to the shag haircuts and eyebrow piercings that ping gaydars (also, femmes can have those things; I just don’t). But I will be the first to admit that a lot of Pride apparel is not that cute. (Legions of gays make TikToks dunking on Target’s Pride collection every year for a reason.) 

I have found solace in cheeky baby tees like this one and this one. Though merch from lesbian-beloved artists holds less telling power as gay musicians crack mainstream charts, the classics—k.d. lang, Indigo Girls, Brandi Carlile—remain pretty firmly in the sapphic camp. Even more low-key is a rainbow pin on your tote bag or sticker on your water bottle.  

Join Gay Spaces

Whether you have one gay friend or 100, it never hurts to expand your network—the more queer women you know, the more likely you are to catch feelings for a new pal or get set up with cute singles. Plus, meeting someone in an LGBTQ space saves you both the Is she gay or just nice? panic that often plagues sapphic interactions.

Various local organizations offer beer league sports for LGBTQ folks. Some—including kickball, roller derby, cheerleading, flag football, and dragon boat racing—are dominated by shes and theys, either by happenstance or by design. Lesbian Run Club and its affiliated Lesbian Yoga Club are lower-comittment ways to get moving with fellow gays.

And you don’t have to sweat if you don’t want to. The Sapphic Book Club holds monthly events where dozens of LGBTQ folks meet to discuss a preselected gay novel or just hang out, and the queer-run Not Your Grandma’s Camera Club hosts photo walks for women and nonbinary photographers. Friends of mine have met partners while volunteering for Pride and other LGBTQ causes. 

Come Out—Strategically

We all want to fall in love at first sight after locking eyes with a woman over a pile of organic tomatoes at the farmers market. But IRL, epic romances often begin with “weak ties,” the sociological term for casual acquaintances and near-strangers in your network: the cute barista who always knows you want oat milk, the friendly girl with great arms who takes the same 7 a.m. pilates class as you, the neighbor you run into while you’re each taking your rescue dog for a walk.

I believe the potential for romantic connection with a casual acquaintance goes way up when you make a point to let them know you’re attracted to women. It doesn’t have to be awkward or forced—I once thought my hairstylist was pretty, so I joked in the chair that Harry Styles was the only man I was into. We ended up hanging out a few days after, and she brought flowers, signaling to me that it was definitely a date. 

Mentioning a Pride event when your elevator crush asks about your weekend plans, citing But I’m a Cheerleader in small talk about movies, or briefly referencing an ex with she/her pronouns (without bad-mouthing her, obviously) can all help turning chatting into flirting. 

Make the First Move

I know, I know—it’s scary! I’m not suggesting you walk up to the next girl you see with a mullet and ask her out (though if you are the kind of self-actualized legend who would do this, I salute you). But making meaningful eye contact with a woman at Gossip Grill—or, better yet, offering to buy her a drink—is far more effective than averting your gaze and hoping a handsome masc sends a G&T down the bar.

I’ve met women in the wild—that is, not-explicitly-gay spaces—simply by introducing myself and hoping for the best. Once, while alone at a crowded brewery, I asked a cute girl if I could join her group of friends at their table. After a couple hours, I had her number and, eventually, a date. Local events that bring a lot of people together informally, like Balboa Park’s Winyl Club or concerts and festivals, offer opportunities to compliment someone on her shirt or ask to pet her dog, kicking off a convo. 

As with the casual coming-out, you don’t need to be overly ceremonious about it. After all, there is a little truth to the “useless lesbian” stereotype—most of us, whether we’re rocking a carabiner full of keys on our belt or not, are just waiting for someone to make a move.

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter for exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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(To get caught up, you can read part one of our conversation here.)

Mateo Hoke (MH): Tell me about your personal readiness for a relationship right now.

Nicolle Monico (NM): It’s weird to say, but I feel like I like myself again. I feel like I’m a catch, and I don’t know if I could have always said that. I have qualities I am proud of, and I think that’s crucial for dating. Loving yourself matters because it shows. I’ve done a lot of work to discover what I need and to say it’s okay to need those things.

The last four years have been particularly hard, which pushed me to really understand and embrace my needs. I know what I can offer and what I’m not willing to give up. This clarity has given me a strong sense of self-worth. I am not afraid to ask for what I deserve in a relationship.

MH: What do you think are the real keys to being “ready” for love and commitment if you don’t feel that security in and love for yourself yet?

NM: You can still know what you have to offer, even if you don’t love every part of yourself. Someone can help you discover the parts you’re not ready to love yet. It’s about being willing to let someone love those parts of you. In my own experience, it was hard to have someone like me without having to work for it. 

Trust that someone will love you, and that will help you see yourself differently. I don’t think anyone has to be perfect to enter a relationship. When you’re looking for someone, look for the kind of person who will help you build the qualities you want to love in yourself. Relationships can be a journey of mutual growth and discovery, where both partners support each other in becoming their best selves.

MH: What does success in love or a relationship mean? How do you know you’re in a successful partnership?

NM: Success in a relationship means feeling good, being true to myself, being open to making sacrifices, and working hard to make it last. For me, if my gut doesn’t hurt, it means I’m not trying to fill a void or force something to work just for the sake of it. 

In a successful relationship, I feel completely whole and authentic. It’s about having a partnership where both individuals can grow and thrive together. Success is also about mutual respect, understanding, and being able to communicate openly and honestly. It’s about feeling secure and valued, knowing that both partners are committed to the relationship and willing to put in the effort to make it last.

MH: Have you spent time truly alone to ground into yourself and be ready for a relationship?

NM: I’ve done the alone time and the long relationships, and both are essential. I was single for seven years before my last three-year relationship, with a lot of time to figure things out. I was mostly happy being single. It wasn’t a sad experience—there were a lot of good times. 

Being single allowed me to understand myself better and to grow independently. I had the opportunity to focus on my personal development, pursue my interests, and build a strong sense of self. Now, having been through both experiences, I feel ready for the mirror that a committed relationship provides, where you continue to grow but now with someone else by your side.

MH: How has your approach to dating changed now that you’re in your 40s versus your 20s or 30s?

NM: I don’t linger anymore or waste my time when it’s not going to be a thing. I’m more intentional about who I spend my time with and don’t let my emotions get ahead of me. In the past, I would quickly fall and get excited, but now I recognize red flags earlier and know what’s not going to work for me. I’m more focused on not putting up with things that aren’t right for me. 

I’ve learned to set boundaries and to prioritize my well-being. I understand the importance of compatibility and shared values. I also value my time more and am more discerning about who I invest my energy in. This approach helps me avoid unnecessary heartache and allows me to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter for exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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When Caleb (not his real name) walked into my house, I suddenly felt the urge to pull away. It had been a week since our first date, and we had plans for pizza and a movie on a cold Thursday evening. 

I could feel his excitement. Sweet, golden retriever–like energy emanated from every word he spoke. I was still working when he came up behind me, put my face in his hands, and kissed me. There was a familiarity behind his gesture, as if we had been seeing each other a long time. This is too much, I thought. 

Since our first date, he’d never missed a day of texting and letting me know he was thinking about me. He was patient when plans had to change last minute. We already had another date set up for two days later. 

He liked me. It freaked me out.

If your dating history has been anything like mine, you may understand this. I didn’t have to work for his affection. He wasn’t playing any games. My instincts were shouting at me to run away. You’re supposed to be insecure and question everything, and he’s supposed to make you chase him. Right?

Since I started writing this column, my love life has been a weekly topic of conversation around the water cooler. But when I told my coworkers about the date the next morning, they could sense my hesitation—and the chat turned into an impromptu therapy session. 

“What happens if you just let a guy like you? If you let him treat you well?” they asked. “It’s not a flaw that he sees you as a catch.” 

Ugh, I thought. What do they know?

In the time since, I’ve caught myself looking for Caleb’s dark side, waiting for him to do something wrong. I’ve experienced moments of panic when something triggers an old wound. When he spent hours out with his friends and didn’t answer his phone—something one of my exes would do while off flirting with other women—I thought he’d proven my fears right.

And then, Caleb would show up for me. 

He’d call after a night out and gush over how much he talked about me to his friends. He’d graciously work through my anxious thoughts when I began to shut down. He asked questions. Found the real root of the issue and reassured me that my needs weren’t unreasonable. 

Dating a good man after being in an unhealthy relationship is harder than I expected. I’ve learned that there is only so much work you can do as a single person to heal past traumas that stem from a partner. It takes finally being intimate with someone new to begin to work on the hidden parts of yourself that only a relationship can trigger.

I’ve wanted to walk away a few times already—not because of anything he was doing, but because I wasn’t getting the familiar adrenaline rush of high emotions followed by low feelings of insecurity. My girl Reneé Rapp says it best: “I choose the devil I know over the heaven I don’t.” The unknown can be scary as hell.

There’s also a part of me that has always believed that I was destined to be alone. An inner monologue telling me that relationships will never work out because I’m just too hard to love. When that’s your baseline, a partner not being the one is just par for the course. Better to self-sabotage than fall in love and risk a breakup later on.

I share this because I want to be like my coworkers for those of you who are struggling with a new relationship after a difficult one. Let me be the voice in your head that tells you to stick it out, at least for a bit. Listen to your gut, but also call yourself out when you’re creating issues or red flags that don’t exist.

There are only two ways a relationship can go. You either end up together, or you don’t. But, man, is life a lot sweeter when you let yourself experience the world. As I’ve said before, I don’t regret any of my past boyfriends. They’ve helped shape me and show me the areas of my life that could use some tough love.

Once I got past my self-doubt and learned habits, I began to really enjoy dating Caleb. I will say, he’s not perfect. We have stuff to figure out. He’s been single for most of his life, so he’s having to work on what compromise and sacrifice look like in a partnership. But as we navigate it, I’ll be here laying it all out for you and hoping to be as honest as possible.

The column will still exist as we continue to date (Carrie didn’t give up hers when she was in a relationship). You’ll still get interviews with locals, commentary from experts in the field, guest columnists, and sprinklings of my own love life. See you next week.

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

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The post Unhinged, A Dating Series: Dating After an Unhealthy Relationship appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

In other words, San Diego Magazine’s November 2005 cover is wild. And inside waits a huge feature on dating in SD. I had questions. So many questions. Is anything different about SD’s dating scene nearly 20 years later?

“If there are plenty of fish in the sea, why haven’t you hooked one?” the article’s subhead asks. “A look at the up-and-down dating life of San Diegans—and how to make the perfect catch. Maybe.” 

Writer Amber Cyphers goes on to wonder, “With one million people in the city, why is it still so hard to find love?”

This sounds familiar.

“We asked a group of very dateable San Diegans for their take on the world of singles, and did some research of our own,” Cyphers writes. “It was illuminating, to say the least, although there was no consensus on the best way to meet other singles in San Diego. Not surprisingly, few found much success developing lasting relationships with people they met in bars. Beyond that, it was a tossup.”

This could have been written today. I am Cyphers, and she is me. We’ve come so far since the dating-app-free world of yesteryear… while also seemingly going nowhere at all. Great news for singles.

Luckily, the piece offers some tips about where to meet local singles. Cyphers suggests checking out social events hosted by arts institutions like The Old Globe, returning to school to take extension courses (this seems a bit much), frequenting your neighborhood coffee shop to find “local delights” posted on its notice boards, and getting into sports. 

Did you know there was once an Athletic Singles Association? Or an org called the Single Sierrans, a subgroup of the local Sierra Club, an environmental protection organization, for people in their 20s and 30s? 

Back then, online dating was relegated to sites like Match.com or HurryDate.com—which may have been the prototype for Tinder, though I can’t be sure.

Instead of my typical article this week, we’re going back in time to hear the stories of other singles looking for love. Because look, it’s not you—it really is that hard and weird and confusing. Grab a glass of wine and some popcorn and get cozy with the tales of San Diego’s most eligible Y2K bachelors and bachelorettes.

Also, if you’re one of the singles profiled in this feature, please email us and let us know if you found love… especially if it was because you went back to college.

Meet Justin, a 28-year-old Oklahoman who discovered why San Diego is such a great place for burgeoning Peter Pans. 

On the next page, Lisa Feinstein, a 35-year-old healthcare professional, shares her dating horror stories. Offering to find your date a sugar daddy—totally wack or kinda chivalrous in this economy? You decide. 

Here we have 35-year-old Summer Morse, who offers some sound advice and an optimistic outlook for singles. “I’m looking for a relationship full of integrity and communication—having the understanding that falling in and out of love happens, and it’s okay,” she says.

Travis Bone, on the other hand, found that a little wine with a side of pretension is a good reminder that being single may not be so bad after all. 

Tom Chambers’ story might be my favorite of the bunch. A tale as old as time: You and your situationship decide to take separate trips for New Year’s Eve. You head to Lake Tahoe; she jets off to Miami. A week later, you turn on the Lakers game and see her courtside… with another dude. Ouch. 

A holistic healthcare practitioner and divorcée, 46-year-old Lilia Gudiño-Vazquez is perfectly fine with her relationship status. The single mom of two reminds us that dating in your 40s means you’re no longer comfortable wasting your time with things that don’t add value to your life.

At 48, executive assistant Lisa Schiff signed up for what she called “on-line personals.” She’s excited about the idea of a younger man, unless he wants children. How very Anne Hathaway in The Idea of You. 

Finally, 28-year-old Nam Chantepie offers a cute metaphor about the dating pool. “Sometimes I feel like there needs to be more chlorine in that pool, but I keep floating along in my water wings, waiting to bump into someone else who wants to play Marco Polo,” he says. I genuinely hope he found his mermaid.

So, if you’re single, is there comfort knowing that dating in SD has always been challenging? Or did you find love here decades ago—and think that you left the market when things were easier? Either way, we would love to hear from you. Email us at [email protected].

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter for exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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The post Unhinged, A Dating Series: 20 Years Later, We’re Still Single appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

I met Underhill in my DMs. After reading one of my pieces, the 38-year-old whiskey brand ambassador wrote to me to share about a relationship that had started right before the pandemic and ended in a FaceTime breakup three years later (and two days before Christmas). Damn.

As she drove home from Palm Springs one afternoon, we hopped on a call to chat about her experiences dating in the city. I wanted to know if the feelings I had about dating were the same as others or if I really was on an island of my own making. We connected on something over the course of our conversation: Dating has felt different—and more difficult—for both of us since the advent of the pandemic. For Underhill, the realization occurred when she tried revisiting dating apps in 2022.

That digital space was suddenly a new world—just like the one outside of it, filled with people fatigued by years of uncertainty and isolation.

“I got on Bumble and Hinge and immediately felt 25 years older than I actually am. I felt so confused by the technology that I used to know so well,” says Underhill, a Seattle native who moved to San Diego eight years ago. “I was like, ‘What are all these premium features? What are all these new things?’”

Combing through profiles, swiping, chatting, flirting, cringing, getting left on read—it all felt strange. Underhill remembers thinking that Covid and social distancing affected how everyone communicated.  

“I was trying to register these changes. What’s different about me? What’s different about the world?” she says. “I kind of felt almost instinctively like [I wanted] to internalize it, like it was something different I was doing. Then I realized we just all went through this huge global change. I think the pandemic reframed our brains on a lot of things.”

Collectively, we’ve changed. It can’t be ignored that, four years later, we’re still somewhat socially rusty. Last year, a poll conducted for Newsweek showed that 42 percent of participants admitted to being less sociable than in 2019.

We’re exhausted. This is potentially the most don’t-talk-to-me-I’d-rather-stay-home era we’ve had in a long time, which doesn’t make for the most ideal setting to find love. I recently read a headline declaring that “lockdowns turned us into antisocial goblins,” and, honestly, that’s not wrong. 

Research also points to people withdrawing rather than seeking connection when they experience loneliness—meaning that, throughout the pandemic, as many struggled with feelings of depression, it actually began to change how they interacted with others and affected their ability to seek out relationships. 

“Connection has become so accessible that people don’t treat it as special anymore,” Underhill says. I get it. She’s hitting on something that many of us feel but can’t exactly explain. Covid took a toll on us all, and we’re lucky to be approaching some sort of normalcy these days.

The thing is, though, the internet provides a pretty cozy place to retreat to with all your “friends.” Between the parasocial sense of “hanging out” with your favorite podcasters, curling up with virtual girlfriends during a 50-part TikTok series, or getting that quick dopamine hit of matching (but never actually talking) on dating apps, we assuage our loneliness with low-stakes activities. 

These new antisocial behaviors could be a big part of why dating seems so much more difficult. Those who may have once spent their weekends at bars, sports events, concerts, or dinner parties are now holed up at home, where meet-cutes don’t really happen. (Unless your UberEats driver happens to be hot and single.) 

And, even if people are swiping from their couches, not all of them are seeking love—or even a fling. They may just want momentary connection.

Both men and women on the subreddit r/OnlineDating have complained that their matches never seem interested in actually meeting. So, how do we weed out those who are swiping just for a self-esteem boost, and how do we meet people organically in an increasingly isolated world?

If writing this column has taught me anything, it’s that being vulnerable allows others to be the same. Like Underhill, many people have reached out to me—a complete stranger—to share their need for connection. And potential dates have shot their shot knowing that I’m looking for something real.

My situation is unique; I’m not unaware of that fact. But for some, getting “out there” again may just mean hitting an Instagram social meet-up with friends and committing to talking to at least two people you don’t know. Or, it’s forgoing the standard answers on your Hinge profile and clarifying exactly what you’re looking for.

So, if you’re searching for love and the apps aren’t cutting it, or the meet-ups aren’t happening, it’s time to get up off the couch and back into the world in a pre-pandemic kind of way. Hit the bar, organize a dinner party, take yourself on a solo date with a book, or buy tickets to the next Wave FC game. Your chances increase the more you leave your house. 

Digging deeper with people is riskier than the safety of scrolling or swiping (trust me, I know!). But because of that, the rewards are far bigger, too.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and what you’re doing to help yourself return to a more sociable you. As for Underhill, she remains hopeful. She’s still using the apps, making the first move with a gif of Forrest Gump waving hello, and switching her perspective on the Covid slump.

“I was just thinking that my biggest nightmare at the gym would be me using a machine and somebody coming over and correcting me because I just feel like it would be so embarrassing,” she says. “But then I was like, I’m describing a meet-cute.”

We’re all struggling, she reminds me, but maybe that’s part of what may bring us together at the end of the day. “I do feel like there’s some reassurance knowing that it’s not me. The scene is very hard,” she says. “I’m hoping that maybe we’re just kind of like the foot soldiers, like the infantry, connecting with singles for the sake of solidarity and friendship.”

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter for exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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The post Unhinged, A Dating Series: Finding Connection in A Disconnected World appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

At the time, the young man had been doing a handstand on his skateboard past her privacy hedge. She could only see his red shoes as he passed by. “The rest is history,” she laughed. 

My date looked at me, and smirked, “This is a good sign.”

I met Caleb (not his real name) through this column. He slid into my DMs after the first post went live, thanking me for understanding what it’s like out there. I hadn’t thought much of it at the time. I had plenty of those types of messages, along with 500 new followers in one day. When I started reaching out to a handful of locals who had messaged me to do some research and interviews, I remembered to go back to his profile.

He was intriguing, listed a bunch of hobbies on his Instagram which was filled with photos of travels. Noticeably absent, however, were pictures of his face. After reaching out for a chat, we scheduled a call a week later to talk about his dating history and the challenges he was facing as a man in his late 30s. For me, this was purely research for my burgeoning column, or so I thought.

There was an ease to our conversation on the phone. Caleb was open and honest, it didn’t feel like he was putting on a show. Still, though, I could hear some inconsistencies in what he was saying and wrote him off as someone who wasn’t ready to date.

Weeks later, I got a text from him asking me out. “Hey would you wanna get a drink sometime?” he wrote. Short and to the point, there had been no messages leading up to this. But Khruangbin, a band whose name I still can’t pronounce, was playing at the Shell and he wanted to take me. I was in. 

A week later, we stood on the grass with VIP bracelets (he wanted me to be able to see, he said) discussing his red shoes. He was cuter than I expected. We talked like old friends, plenty of banter and no uncomfortable moments of silence. With a bottle of red and two wine glasses, we spent the evening chatting, laughing, and flirting.

He was child-like, overly excited to be spending time with me, giddy even. “Your eyes are like a garden,” he said at one point, calling out their hazel coloring. It wasn’t meant to be romantic, I don’t think, he was more blurting out the first thoughts that came to his mind as I took off my sunglasses. But I liked it.

I’m used to fighting for someone’s affection, so feeling wanted is new for me. And Caleb had done his homework, recalling past articles as he asked questions about me. He had clicked on each Unhinged article to learn everything he could.

“Neither,” he had chosen a couple weeks earlier when I had polled readers about which guy I should date between Ryan and Connor. He was paying attention.

Before the headliner, we got another bottle of wine. “The second one has to be more expensive, right? To show your date you’re interested?” he said. Noted. By the end of the evening, I wanted to kiss him. If you’ve been reading this column since the start, you’ll know this isn’t typical for me on first dates. 

A good sign.

As my Uber approached at the end of the night, he asked if he could kiss me. It was simple, sweet. “Send me a text when you get home,” he said as he closed the car door. He asked me out the next morning and we made actual plans. We’ve talked every day since.

If I’m being honest, I didn’t want to write this post. This is a world of false starts and normally, those conversations exist only between friends and over text. If this goes nowhere, thousands of readers will know. It’ll be embarrassing. But I didn’t start this column to paint an unrealistic picture of dating. There will be lessons learned through Caleb, whether he remains in my life for a week, a season, or more.

Here’s the thing, at the end of the day it’s maybe not that complicated to show someone you’re interested in them. I think Caleb could teach a masterclass on catching a woman’s attention. He made a thoughtful first move. He took me on a cool first date, wasn’t afraid to flirt up a storm, yet remained respectful and didn’t push. He asks questions. He shows actual interest, and doesn’t (yet, at least) leave me guessing if I matter to him. Hell, he even reads my work. So for what it’s worth, hope you’re taking notes, gents.

Oh, and if you’re wondering, he no longer reads the column. “I want you to keep being completely honest with it, that’s what makes it so good…,” he texted. “If you know that I’ll eventually read it, you may alter it in some way that you wouldn’t have previously and I don’t want to do that to you and it.”

For those of you in relationships, I’m curious, what did you do to make your partner fall for you? How did you impress? Did you spring for the expensive bottle, write a love song, or do a handstand on your skateboard? Email us at @[email protected] with your story and a chance to be featured in the Unhinged newsletter.

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter for exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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The post Unhinged, A Dating Series: It’s Not That Complicated appeared first on San Diego Magazine.

Getting real with you all each week has been fun, eye-opening, and anxiety-inducing (please send nice messages on Thursday nights). Recently, I took the time to think about what lessons have come from my adventures and my chats with readers and friends. I share those insights below.

While there are still more vulnerable pieces of me that I’m not ready to share yet publicly—like the lingering effects of my past relationship—having so many new friends rooting for me and sharing their own stories has been incredibly humbling in the best way. I’m the most hopeful I’ve ever been that maybe we can figure this out together.

So, here are five things I’ve learned since starting this column:

Men are struggling, too

As a woman, it can be easy to fall into the trap of thinking men have it easy when it comes to heterosexual dating (stay tuned for guest columnists speaking to other types of relationships). It’s not uncommon to hear women complaining about men’s reluctance to commit and about how hard it is to find someone genuine. 

I’ve been surprised, though, at the amount of men who have written to me to say thank you for this series. They’ve shared their stories, opened up to me personally about unrequited love, and took the time to reflect on some of the things I have written about. Many have also said that they don’t speak about this stuff to anyone. 

In a society where little boys are taught to hold their feelings in, hopefully more men will start to see the benefit in talking out their emotions with friends or seeking advice from experienced professionals such as therapists. After all, you can’t know what you don’t know, and sometimes the best advice will come from those with unbiased opinions. 

Dating is a numbers game

I’ve never dated so much in my life. With my matchmaker setting me up with potential suitors, DMs rolling in from readers of this column, and friends introducing me to their single pals, it’s been overwhelming (and a little exhausting). 

Most of the dates I’ve been on haven’t led to a second date, but they have taught me more about what I want, what I’m willing to potentially compromise on, and what I need to work on personally in romantic connections.

Expecting to find “the one” by only going on one or two dates every few months means that you’re significantly lowering your chances. Get outside, invest in hobbies that you love, head out to happy hours, sign up for classes, keep swiping (if you’re into that kind of thing), take chances on strangers at bars, say “yes” to everything—you never know who you may meet. 

What you ask is just as important as doing the actual asking

One of the biggest things I hear from women is that men don’t ask any questions on dates. It’s not completely a gendered issue, but research shows that men and women are taught to approach conversations differently. 

After I wrote about this, we got a flood of comments on our Instagram post and in my inbox from people who could relate. It seems obvious, but if you’re out there and dating, just ask a question—it may lead to your next relationship. 

But what you ask also matters. During a singles mixer this past February, matchmaker Sophy Love walked participants through some dating exercises with a focus on first-date questions. We learned that asking deeper, more emotionally driven questions tends to make people feel more connected to the asker. 

I genuinely became more interested in the people sitting across from me during the exercise. So skip the “what do you do for a living” questions and ask what childhood memory stands out as one of their favorite experiences. 

People will put in the effort when they’re interested

One of the first people I met during this column was a guy who I was very attracted to but who was only putting in the bare minimum when it came to dating me. He was cute and we had fun, but he only made plans with me last minute and made me feel like an afterthought. 

I remember telling him that I would like him to be intentional if he really was looking to get to know me. We ended things. 

There are people out there who will make it clear that they are wanting to get to know you and will make time to do so—and desiring that effort is not too much to ask. But we have to be willing to ask for what we want and be willing to walk away if they can’t provide it. I’ve also learned recently that the ones who are ready to be in a relationship won’t leave you guessing about future dates. You won’t be an afterthought. 

You can have it all

I recently asked the question, “Can you really have it all when it comes to love?” Stability, support, and compatibility and butterflies, passion, and bedroom chemistry with someone? At a certain age, we can start to feel the pressure to settle to avoid being alone.

Recently, I met someone who is making me believe that it’s possible to find a person who meets all your needs and wants. We’ve only been talking for a short time, but he’s unknowingly helping me heal from the trauma of a past relationship by being incredibly kind, honest, and intentional. On the other hand, I get nervous and excited to see him, something I’ve been missing in the past few dates.

I don’t know if this connection will turn into anything more. But what it is giving me is hope that I don’t have to settle for anything less than amazing. Fairytale romances aren’t just a thing in storybooks.  

If you’re new to Unhinged, catch up on all the dating chats you’ve missed here and follow along at @monicles and @sandiegomag on Instagram to know when a new article drops each week.

Sign-up now for the Unhinged newsletter for exclusive content, Q&As with Nicolle, and subscriber-only meet-ups!

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The post Unhinged, A Dating Series:  What Looking for Love Taught Me appeared first on San Diego Magazine.