There are days when I look around at my single girlfriends and wonder how they haven’t been snatched up yet. They’re beautiful, funny, and smart, with successful, high-paying careers. Some even own businesses. For a number of them, all they’re missing is someone to share it with—but, despite how awesome they are, that can be hard to find.
Something doesn’t add up. And I’d like answers.
Recently, I chatted with 39-year-old local Alex Sabbag about dating in San Diego. She hit on something that has come up in a few conversations I’ve had lately: Being an accomplished woman who also makes good money sometimes seems to make dating more difficult.
Early in her career, Sabbag established herself as a hard-working employee, which helped her quickly climb the ladder as a young professional. She went on to become an entrepreneur at 25 and moved to San Diego in 2020 at the age of 35.
“I was working as the chief marketing officer for an insurance technology company at the time and was the first hire,” Sabbag says. “I helped build the brand, built the story, built the team, and then a month after, I bought [my home] in Solana Beach.”
Today, she splits her time between Solana Beach and Palm Springs, where she runs her own yoga practice on the weekends. She also recently added “author” to her accolades and is touring the country with her new book.
Sabbag is ambitious, intelligent, and confident—it’s immediately clear in how she speaks and how she has moved through her career. But she feels that it may be these same qualities that have kept her from finding a long-term partner.
“Women with drive and independence and big careers have no problem dropping right into their masculine energy, but it can kill a relationship so fast,” Sabbag says. “I’m [also] 5-foot-10 and taller than most [men]. I have owned beautiful homes. I don’t need [men]—I just want them.”
It’s the latter point that I find the most compelling. Men are an added bonus to the life she created for herself, not a necessity for a fulfilling future. Are men turned off by this energy because they want to feel needed?
Sabbag sees men’s disinterest in powerful women as a reflection of their own self-confidence and self-worth. It’d be easy to blame men here, though, and say that they are intimidated by strong, financially independent women—but that explanation seems too simple.
Single parent and 39-year-old local Leigh Ann Wilson separated from her husband in August of 2022 and jumped back into the dating pool last year. “I’m in a whole different ball game,” she says. “I don’t think I was prepared mentally for these new worlds. I find it fascinating and hysterical and exhausting.”
Recently, she matched with a man on an app and began dating him. Two months in, she was beginning to picture their next chapter—when he suddenly cut all communication. No text, no call… nothing.
Wilson was more confused than sad. “I’m in a place where I have my children, I’ve been married, I own my home, I have a good career,” Wilson says. “I’ll meet someone and it’s like, Do I intimidate you? Am I bringing out an insecurity in you that now you can’t handle?”
Psychology Today author Diana Kirschner Ph.D. points to studies that suggest men’s preference for marrying “down” is made up—though the rule of homogamy applies. The rule states that people marry partners who share similar values, religious views, attitudes, and yes, educational achievements.
This would stand to reason that more educated men prefer women who have the same level of schooling. So… men aren’t intimidated by high-achieving women?
Torn between the anecdotal evidence and the science, I queried my male friends to hear their thoughts. All of them thought that it was a myth that men shy away from dating successful women. All said they have dated partners with titles above their own.
None of them, however, have ever actually been in a relationship with a woman who earned a higher salary than them.
“I’ve always welcomed it, but it’s only ever been in theory, which is unfortunate,” says my friend and 43-year-old Obecian Nate Miller. “To me, it seems like it can help a relationship be more in balance. There’s no weird power dynamic if your pay is nearly equal.”
My boyfriend Caleb* tells me that my career goals and ambition were some of the things that initially attracted him to me. He, like the other men, says that he can’t see a woman’s success being a big issue with modern-day couples—though it may have been for our parent’s generation.
Millennials have slowly shifted the romantic script. According to Bureau of Labor Statistics data, there are more women in the workforce than ever before. Powerful career women are becoming the norm rather than the exception.
Of course, Sabbag and Wilson’s experiences suggest that some men aren’t ready for the change—but all that means is that they haven’t yet found the right guy, one who will appreciate and celebrate their confidence and ambition.
What about you? As a woman, have you felt that men tend to consciously or subconsciously dismiss a future with you if you make more money or have a high-ranking title? Men, have you ever dated a woman above your financial status? Shoot me an email at [email protected] and let me know.
*The name Caleb is a pseudonym
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